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APART FROM
i don't belong to myself here
various london hospitals 2015-2022
An ode to Atlas
Bloody knees, calloused hands,
spine shaped by the crushing
torment, a steady persistence
this earth beneath the
floundering me,
I hold all of it.
Oh Atlas, if only I could shrug
this burden onto thee.
This collection represents some of my experiences and thoughts whilst being in hospital over a 7 year period.
click on each image to read accompanying copy and poetry.
Sleepless nights - hospital room, view from a bed
Night light
Things never stop in a hospital, there is no rest, no peace, no space given to heal.
I am no(.) one (1)
My hospital room door...
It's easy to feel un-human when you're being treated in hospital: your name doesn't matter (other than to ID you), mostly you're just a number, referred to by your symptoms/disease/illness...your sense of self is dissected down to body parts and symptoms and nothing more...I do not belong to myself here.
It's easy to feel un-human when you're being treated in hospital: your name doesn't matter (other than to ID you), mostly you're just a number, referred to by your symptoms/disease/illness...your sense of self is dissected down to body parts and symptoms and nothing more...I do not belong to myself here.
My sun, my moon, my sky
There is excellent, beautiful research that proves how being in nature (and images of nature!) increases patient wellbeing, speeds up recovery and reduces the use of pharmaceutical products. As an ecotherapist and interest in horticulture, I know the positive impact being in nature can have on a person.... I'm not convinced by this tile though...
Pre-surgery boudoir
Marooned
This then: marooned on an island small enough to house my body, big enough for not much more. Waves (the bluest hue,
surround me) come and go of their own accord,
their tide ruled by many moons /
isolating me as they protect me. 'I am' does not fit in here and / now even more /
'I am' reminds me I am more.
I am not me here.
This then:
hidden,
out of sight to those drifting by, on another journey they go.
The sky is white, white, white / stars are blinding / headache forming / I shield my eyes and miss the sun that never shows. Or maybe it is the sun that is blinding and the stars that I miss. Yes that’s it: a sun 24 hours bright so I know not
what day it is
or if day is night.
This then:
I know no breeze, know and no stillness too. I lie /
waiting. I don’t know for what. To start living again / to die / wishfully.
My body screaming a desperate SOS / alarm-ing / ignored / the echo silent,
the only peace is found in the pieces of me.
'I am' reminds me I am more.
surround me) come and go of their own accord,
their tide ruled by many moons /
isolating me as they protect me. 'I am' does not fit in here and / now even more /
'I am' reminds me I am more.
I am not me here.
This then:
hidden,
out of sight to those drifting by, on another journey they go.
The sky is white, white, white / stars are blinding / headache forming / I shield my eyes and miss the sun that never shows. Or maybe it is the sun that is blinding and the stars that I miss. Yes that’s it: a sun 24 hours bright so I know not
what day it is
or if day is night.
This then:
I know no breeze, know and no stillness too. I lie /
waiting. I don’t know for what. To start living again / to die / wishfully.
My body screaming a desperate SOS / alarm-ing / ignored / the echo silent,
the only peace is found in the pieces of me.
'I am' reminds me I am more.
My sky, my moon, my stars
I still find ways to play
Playing with the 'natural' light in my room
As with all hospital stays, I hadn't slept for many days, a response to the adrenaline pumping through my body. From my bed, I was able to keep myself entertained with my bedside light - a pleasant surprise in the darkness of it all.
The discarded gowns on the floor had been there for days, wet from using them to dry myself after showers as towels were not provided, several vials of fecal samples (wrapped in paper towels) sat uncollected for days on the sink along with used tea cups.
As with all hospital stays, I hadn't slept for many days, a response to the adrenaline pumping through my body. From my bed, I was able to keep myself entertained with my bedside light - a pleasant surprise in the darkness of it all.
The discarded gowns on the floor had been there for days, wet from using them to dry myself after showers as towels were not provided, several vials of fecal samples (wrapped in paper towels) sat uncollected for days on the sink along with used tea cups.
Bedside
Playing with 'natural' light, I was so grateful for these unstaged moments which helped me tap into my creativity and identify with more than the situation I found myself in.
Lending a hand
I had fallen from the loo and unable to walk, I lay on the floor of the bathroom. The alarm went unanswered for 25 minutes.
(Not) My Comfort Blanket
No need for a spoon full of sugar
Someone else's DNA
A meditation of welcoming the second blood donor's DNA and cells as it made its way around my body. I wondered the stories it had to tell, what adventures we would share.
Lego Advent Calendar
The days turned into weeks in Bed number 6.
Marooned - a glimmer / hope
Isolated from the outside world, where all my senses are deprived: no fresh air, little natural light, bland or no food, no day and night schedules; a continual cacophony of unnatural sounds, my senses being bombarded, pain is the only thing I recognise. Over time, I am rewired with 'hospital' senses: a human feeling un-human.
A glimmer of another world, one that carries on regardless with/without me...a sense of more.
I am more.
A glimmer of another world, one that carries on regardless with/without me...a sense of more.
I am more.
A new dawn -i
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
A new dawn - ii
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
A new dawn -iii
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
A new dawn -iv
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
Night light
Things never stop in a hospital, there is no rest, no peace, no space given to heal.
I am no(.) one (1)
My hospital room door...
It's easy to feel un-human when you're being treated in hospital: your name doesn't matter (other than to ID you), mostly you're just a number, referred to by your symptoms/disease/illness...your sense of self is dissected down to body parts and symptoms and nothing more...I do not belong to myself here.
It's easy to feel un-human when you're being treated in hospital: your name doesn't matter (other than to ID you), mostly you're just a number, referred to by your symptoms/disease/illness...your sense of self is dissected down to body parts and symptoms and nothing more...I do not belong to myself here.
My sun, my moon, my sky
There is excellent, beautiful research that proves how being in nature (and images of nature!) increases patient wellbeing, speeds up recovery and reduces the use of pharmaceutical products. As an ecotherapist and interest in horticulture, I know the positive impact being in nature can have on a person.... I'm not convinced by this tile though...
Pre-surgery boudoir
Marooned
This then: marooned on an island small enough to house my body, big enough for not much more. Waves (the bluest hue,
surround me) come and go of their own accord,
their tide ruled by many moons /
isolating me as they protect me. 'I am' does not fit in here and / now even more /
'I am' reminds me I am more.
I am not me here.
This then:
hidden,
out of sight to those drifting by, on another journey they go.
The sky is white, white, white / stars are blinding / headache forming / I shield my eyes and miss the sun that never shows. Or maybe it is the sun that is blinding and the stars that I miss. Yes that’s it: a sun 24 hours bright so I know not
what day it is
or if day is night.
This then:
I know no breeze, know and no stillness too. I lie /
waiting. I don’t know for what. To start living again / to die / wishfully.
My body screaming a desperate SOS / alarm-ing / ignored / the echo silent,
the only peace is found in the pieces of me.
'I am' reminds me I am more.
surround me) come and go of their own accord,
their tide ruled by many moons /
isolating me as they protect me. 'I am' does not fit in here and / now even more /
'I am' reminds me I am more.
I am not me here.
This then:
hidden,
out of sight to those drifting by, on another journey they go.
The sky is white, white, white / stars are blinding / headache forming / I shield my eyes and miss the sun that never shows. Or maybe it is the sun that is blinding and the stars that I miss. Yes that’s it: a sun 24 hours bright so I know not
what day it is
or if day is night.
This then:
I know no breeze, know and no stillness too. I lie /
waiting. I don’t know for what. To start living again / to die / wishfully.
My body screaming a desperate SOS / alarm-ing / ignored / the echo silent,
the only peace is found in the pieces of me.
'I am' reminds me I am more.
My sky, my moon, my stars
I still find ways to play
Playing with the 'natural' light in my room
As with all hospital stays, I hadn't slept for many days, a response to the adrenaline pumping through my body. From my bed, I was able to keep myself entertained with my bedside light - a pleasant surprise in the darkness of it all.
The discarded gowns on the floor had been there for days, wet from using them to dry myself after showers as towels were not provided, several vials of fecal samples (wrapped in paper towels) sat uncollected for days on the sink along with used tea cups.
As with all hospital stays, I hadn't slept for many days, a response to the adrenaline pumping through my body. From my bed, I was able to keep myself entertained with my bedside light - a pleasant surprise in the darkness of it all.
The discarded gowns on the floor had been there for days, wet from using them to dry myself after showers as towels were not provided, several vials of fecal samples (wrapped in paper towels) sat uncollected for days on the sink along with used tea cups.
Bedside
Playing with 'natural' light, I was so grateful for these unstaged moments which helped me tap into my creativity and identify with more than the situation I found myself in.
Lending a hand
I had fallen from the loo and unable to walk, I lay on the floor of the bathroom. The alarm went unanswered for 25 minutes.
(Not) My Comfort Blanket
No need for a spoon full of sugar
Someone else's DNA
A meditation of welcoming the second blood donor's DNA and cells as it made its way around my body. I wondered the stories it had to tell, what adventures we would share.
Lego Advent Calendar
The days turned into weeks in Bed number 6.
Marooned - a glimmer / hope
Isolated from the outside world, where all my senses are deprived: no fresh air, little natural light, bland or no food, no day and night schedules; a continual cacophony of unnatural sounds, my senses being bombarded, pain is the only thing I recognise. Over time, I am rewired with 'hospital' senses: a human feeling un-human.
A glimmer of another world, one that carries on regardless with/without me...a sense of more.
I am more.
A glimmer of another world, one that carries on regardless with/without me...a sense of more.
I am more.
A new dawn -i
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
A new dawn - ii
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
A new dawn -iii
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
A new dawn -iv
3 sleepless nights due to fighting for my life (which increases cortisol and adrenaline levels) caused by severe blood loss, I decided to focus on things outside of my situation, enjoying nature unfolding, pondering how things carry on regardless, wondering if this would be the last daybreak I would see... and curious with what would happen next.
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